I’ve been drifting away from my family, particularly extended family, for some time. It’s not acrimonious. I simply find that more and more, I can’t smile and nod my way through another story about some fine mess they’ve gotten themselves into, or listen to the more conservative branch of the family tell horrifying dehumanizing “jokes”, at least not more than once or twice a year. Christmas with the family was particularly strained and trying this year, as they were in top form in regards to that in many ways.
Unfortunately, I have always loved the christmas spirit, adored the food and merriment and gift giving. Gift getting ain’t bad, but given the string of years in which my family saw fit to give me those dancing and singing gag gift toys, it’s not about expecting great presents.
I tried getting a little of the old magic in place, but everything felt hurried, family christmas was awful, KillBoy has feelings about the season that make him a little… flat about the whole thing, and I ended up feeling miserable.
Sometimes I forget that I’m terrible at being my own little island. While not an extrovert, I can be particularly susceptible to loneliness and feeling unwanted. I don’t really want to spend tons of time with my family of origin, but it’d be nice if they actually missed me.
What I really need is chosen family, and I do have a friend group that feels like I have a gaggle of close cousins. I ended up volunteering my home for my friend group so that we can bid adieu to this horrifying fucking year together, and I already feel much better for the planning of it. We’ve already started discussing who is bringing what of food and drink, and the fact that others are excited about the gathering is a soothing balm to my soul
With me less out of sorts, I’m very much hoping that this week will see me using the sap gloves he gave me as my gift. Sneaky boy remembered me saying that I wanted some longer than I remembered having said it!