Where the Love Light Gleams

I’ve been drifting away from my family, particularly extended family, for some time. It’s not acrimonious. I simply find that more and more, I can’t smile and nod my way through another story about some fine mess they’ve gotten themselves into, or listen to the more conservative branch of the family tell horrifying dehumanizing “jokes”, at least not more than once or twice a year. Christmas with the family was particularly strained and trying this year, as they were in top form in regards to that in many ways.

Unfortunately, I have always loved the christmas spirit, adored the food and merriment and gift giving. Gift getting ain’t bad, but given the string of years in which my family saw fit to give me those dancing and singing gag gift toys, it’s not about expecting great presents.

I tried getting a little of the old magic in place, but everything felt hurried, family christmas was awful, KillBoy has feelings about the season that make him a little… flat about the whole thing, and I ended up feeling miserable.

Sometimes I forget that I’m terrible at being my own little island. While not an extrovert, I can be particularly susceptible to loneliness and feeling unwanted. I don’t really want to spend tons of time with my family of origin, but it’d be nice if they actually missed me.

What I really need is chosen family, and I do have a friend group that feels like I have a gaggle of close cousins. I ended up volunteering my home for my friend group so that we can bid adieu to this horrifying fucking year together, and I already feel much better for the planning of it. We’ve already started discussing who is bringing what of food and drink, and the fact that others are excited about the gathering is a soothing balm to my soul

With me less out of sorts, I’m very much hoping that this week will see me using the sap gloves he gave me as my gift. Sneaky boy remembered me saying that I wanted some longer than I remembered having said it!

Bleed Me Slowly, Feed Me Diamonds

When KB and I started dating, I joined a group (SMAWLT) on fet for F/m relationships. It has been mostly a huge trainwreck of newbies asking the same terrible questions over and over again, with the occasional interesting discussions and very rarely, an amazing post from someone. The other F/m groups I belong to are either much the same or dead, but the one in question is one of the biggest F/m groups on fet.

There’s one thing that really gets to me about the terrible questions; many of them are indicative of a mindset I find horrifying. Not that long after I joined said group, I sent him a link to one of the threads with the comment “I swear, this OP is basically asking “Do mistresses even love?”!”

There are so, so many threads started by men there, wanting to know if dominant women love, if we must all be sadists, if we respect our partners, if we are in fact even dominant at all or just scam artists in it for money. It’s disheartening, because to me you can only get to this place of so many men asking if dominant women will only abuse them or reject them as unsuitable 100% of the time, if you see dominant women as this borg-like group of not quite humans. It’s a bit different from the fear that many newbies have that there is some sort of protocol, and they’re fucking it up (1) because we see this over and over again that dominant women are expected to be easily filed into liking one type of sub, one style of play, to practice X,Y, and Z fetishes, to be a puzzle to solve.

Why do I keep seeing: “What currency do you plug into fembot to make her vend your fetish? But not actual currency, because sex workers are filthy, amirite? And no, findom can’t be an actual fetish because money is only power when I have it, not when I hand it over, and women don’t really have fetishes anyway. Not that femdoms are women, they’re some other heartless, superior species who all have extensive flogger collections and their own chateau.”?

I see men ask what dominant women like about submissive men, and I’ve moved to sit with the ladies who say “I don’t like submissive men in general. Many of them are terrible. I like the men who submit to me and appreciate me as a person.” and completely empathize with those who can’t find a submissive man who will both treat her as a human being and keep his word to her. If I hadn’t met KillBoy when I was starting to stretch my wings as a top, I might be a much sadder, more jaded person today.

I realize that many of these men are trying to go fishing for a dominant online without ever having tried to interact with “the scene” or actually expend effort in getting to know people and make a connection before putting their fetishes first, but the fact that these men are largely online-only doesn’t make them less real people. These men may be wanna-bes but they’re still hundreds of guys sitting at their keyboards who somehow have the idea that there are femdoms who are not-women, not-people, that can be ordered up if you can just figure out the cheat code. This isn’t rare, this doesn’t come from nowhere, and it’s pretty awful. I’ve also seen plenty of similar views, though rarely stated so blatantly, from men who are in the scene, and the whole thing is just bizarre. How do you live among women, who are half the population, and not realize that they are humans with varied interests and preferences?

(1) Spoilers: There is no Big Book of BDSM Rules. The only time there’s a “right way” is if it’s a technical skill, or being sure that everyone consents.