As women, we hear a lot that to be “sexy” means being desirable/desired. But if we’re doing the desiring (or even the up-against-the-wall kissing!), is there still room to feel “sexy”? Or maybe you think of being “sexy” and being desirable as two different things? How do you like to know that your partner desires you, and how do you like to express your desire for them? – /r/dommebloggers group prompt for the month.
When I read other people’s perspectives when they try to dictate what is and isn’t appropriate for dominant women. I’m filled mostly with a sense of bemusement that anyone would believe they could tell me what I should or shouldn’t do with my boy. I don’t have much, if any, reluctance towards any particular act I desire, just because it supposedly doesn’t fit with my “role”. I don’t have to jump through hoops to feel that I’m both in control and sexy. That freedom isn’t a magic fix for all of my issues with feeling sexy and desired, though.
I have had some exes who have dug at my trust and confidence like it was their job to slowly but surely demolish it. One particular ex was initially delighted that I was sexually confident and aggressive, until he wasn’t, and suddenly I was an embarrassment. While I’m as happy as a chinchilla in a dust bath to be out of that relationship and one where I have no conscious, higher level doubt that I’m appreciated, I still get those emotional knee-jerk needs for reassurance. I need the occasional initiation of sex from him as well as vocalized appreciation. My neuroses sometimes mean that I end up telling him I’m feeling a little under appreciated, and while that’s entirely about my jerkbrain, he’s good about topping off my tank. This is the part where I get very self-conscious about my role as his owner; surely he shouldn’t have to tell me, big bad wicked lady, that yes he still totally wants to touch my butt. Fortunately, I’m more invested in self-care than castigating myself over not being the cool controlled archetype that I sometimes do wish I could be.
“Sexy” within the context of my relationship is in large part something that I feel by virtue of the fact that we fill each other’s needs by being ourselves. I know that I can have him on his knees when I want, and that he wants to be there. That kind of sexy is easy, because I know he wants me even after he’s seen me eating cookie butter straight from the jar while wearing sweatpants. Same as how he’s wildly sexy to me even when he’s angry at the world because once again he’s discovered that morning exists.
Outside of that context, my general belief in my own sexiness has been a hard won feeling; I’m short, round, geeky and alternate between shy and loud. I’ll never be 20 again, or a size 2, or have people walking into posts because they were double taking at my looks. That’s ok with me, the older I get, the more I revel in being a shot of hard liquor instead of everyone’s cup of tea. My not fitting in with the supposed idealized image of what feminine physical beauty is, combined with my sharp edges and mouthiness, mean that assholes tend to filter themselves out from bothering me. I’ve come to realize that for the most part, the people who are left who are attracted to me really do appreciate my particular high alc%. That makes me incredibly sexy, because all I have to do is be me.
Displays of desire are easy for me towards boy. I tend to be direct, telling him to get naked, get in bed, telling him that he’s hot and needs a good hard fucking. He’s my fucktoy, so in general I’m no more gentle with him than my hitachi. And I might have burned the motor out on my hitachi a few months ago. Aside from that, I was really pleased to find out that when I dress him up in ways I find sexually pleasing, he feels desired, which is my main aim vis-à-vis the effect on him. It’s endlessly frustrating to constantly hear that women who like crossdressing men must be inherently trying to humiliate them.
I have very little problem with him being aggressive in showing his desire for me. I actually prefer that he frequently tops me, and that he’s often the one to make the first move towards actual sex. I do occasionally get pangs of “who the fuck do you think you are?!” at him, but I feel very mixed in my reaction to that feeling. It makes me feel like some asshole self-important douchey dom to even think that, especially when he has so much latitude from me for being aggressive that there’s no way he could possibly know where the line is every time. On the other hand, it could be very very fun to pull him up short, done properly. Hmmmm….
… right, the question. I find that I enjoy aggressive masculine energy, but a large part of what makes it so delicious for me is the ability to flip things around, to take control at any moment, and to know that no matter what, he’s not coming without my permission. To function in our relationship, I need that aggression in context, to know that it’s built on a foundation of him agreeing to ultimately obey me, even if it means that I’ll pull him to heel on a dime.