I see so many people who have an all-consuming fantasy about how they want their life to be, especially those who want 24/7 d/s, who are clearly throwing themselves against the electric fence of failure again and again and again because they can’t admit that their fantasy doesn’t actually work for them. I worry a lot about being one of those people.
One of the things that makes being the owner and operator of my own brain difficult is knowing that many times, I will automatically process things in a negative light, as an act of maladaptive self-protection. I also will frequently refuse to see or believe that there is proof of my own competency.
It’s easy to ignore things like KB standing after a shower, shivering, waiting for the now-wet towel that I’ll pass over to him when I’m done with it. The stack of clean towels is within reach, but I don’t offer and he doesn’t ask. It’s not quite about the shivering or the having to use the wet towel. It’s because I can. It’s such a natural interaction that has happened a few times, without even any thought, that my brain struggles to get a foothold in using some aspect of it to undermine me. I can’t say it would mean anything at all in someone else’s relationship, but in mine? Well, hell, maybe he’s not asking because he’s trying to stave off doing the laundry, but that’s not why I’m not offering.